her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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