38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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