While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
