I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
