when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
