Got a toothbrush?
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
