woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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