You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
