Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
