I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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