Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
