my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Never underestimate the power of titties
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