Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And then my night got REAL pukey
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
