i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
