So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
