Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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