I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
