My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
