You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
