So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
