I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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