You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize