I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
