he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
