She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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