I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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