if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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