I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
