My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
