I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
