I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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