Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
