the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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