I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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