I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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