Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
