Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
