So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
