he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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