dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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