I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
