i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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