I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
