Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
