Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
