My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
