Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
