Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize