i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
