I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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