Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
