I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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