It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize